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Q

Dear Ruth,

I have always been aware of the conflict between psychology and Yiddishkeit, and in particular, regarding self-esteem. I have in recent years become thoroughly confused now that frum doctors and rabbis are actually saying that one should not have low self-esteem and that if one does, one should seek help to deal with it.

What happened to being humble? Are we now striving for arrogance? What is becoming of our Yiddishkeit? Perhaps you could comment on this.

Sincerely,
Ephraim Yehudah


A
Dear Ephraim Yehudah,

I am really glad you raised this point because I have come across it as a doubt in many people's minds.

The real question is, I am sure you will agree, whether low self-esteem is in fact humility and a good level of self- esteem, arrogance.

Arrogance in people preoccupies them with the self. The world revolves around them as it were. They see everything in reaction to themselves and look for constant confirmation of their superior worth.

Low self-esteem is also an involvement with the self, albeit in a negative way. The person is constantly aware of him or her self, protecting it from harm or hurt. The person with low self-esteem is aware of himself in a way that a person with a blistered toe is painfully aware of the toe. A person with a severe headache is in so much pain that this becomes the center simply because he or she cannot at that time do anything else.

Humility, on the other hand, is not an involvement with the self. The person simply is. He is not seeking recognition or confirmation of what he is doing He assesses himself in an honest way and goes about his business in the way he has to. To be truly humble, the person's self-esteem has to be at a relatively "normal" level.

High self-esteem or what might be known as a superiority complex actually has its roots in an inferiority complex where the person seeks recognition and boasts constantly.

I hope these few thoughts help to clarify the matter.


Q
Dear Ruth,

I would like to ask you a question, even though I doubt you will have any kind of answer for me. However, I will try.

I have a wonderful mother whom I love very much. No...I really do. My father died several years ago, and since then there has only been my mother and me in the house.

I am still completing my studies and I have to work hard because I have taken some really difficult courses. My mother is supporting me and paying for my studies, and I cannot afford to leave home for at least three years.

Though she really is a nice lady, my mother at times says terrible things to me about how I will never be good for anything, that I am ugly, and no one can stand the sight of me... things like that. When she gets into that mood, she just goes on and on and on until I feel quite sick. She criticizes everything I do.

Then I feel really terrible-like I really am no good and all that. I know she really loves me but I feel so bad.

I feel I am in a trap—a terrible trap—and there is no way to get out. If my mother wasn't really nice sometimes it might be easier to handle but the caring makes it hurt much more.

What can I do?

Signed,
Andy


A
Dear Andy,

I know you are feeling trapped and at times I am sure you feel pretty desperate.

I think, though, that you have to look at the real situation and at what the trap is all about.

First of all, you say that you can't leave home for at least three years as you can't afford to do so. I take your word for that and we won't dispute it. That is a "given."

What is not a "given" is the fact that you have to be unhappy in your home. You say yourself that your mother loves you dearly and that you love her in return, so that is another "given"—a very positive one. What is not a "given" is that your relationship has to be a bad one. True, your mother can say the most terrible things to you, but I am sure you know that she does not mean them. If you asked her in a more sober moment I am sure she would confirm this for you.

She seems to be "letting off steam" in this way. She criticizes you because you are the person closest to her, perhaps the only person close to her.

When she starts to say these things, I want you to listen, then analyze, and then see these things as meaning and worth nothing and then try to see them for what they are, just expressions of frustration in general with you as the accidental target.

See these things as smoke or steam just being given off, and watch it until it ends. The words don't mean anything.

It is important for you within that house to make an area of refuge for yourself, whether it is a place or a hobby. It must be a place where you too can, "let off stream," but not in a destructive way.

I would like you to speak to your mother and to agree to work on the atmosphere in the home, so that you can spend the next three years enjoying each other's company. Why not?

There is no positive reason for holding onto anger. You have to tell the person what is bothering you and then try to put the whole thing out of your mind as unnecessary garbage that is clogging up your being. You will surely feel better once you can forgive him or her, far better in every way than if you nurse revenge for years and years as some people do.

Perhaps you should speak to your Rav about this, but to sort it out is essential!

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Dr. Ruth Benjamin
The Jewish Homemaker
391 Troy Avenue,
Brooklyn, NY 11213