We all have challenges in life; that's a given. At times, we solve these problems on our own, perhaps with the aid of a good book or tape. At other times, we need "people" help — a good listener, facilitator, or advisor. It can be a rabbi, a parent or sibling, a friend or colleague. It can also be a therapist.
When is it advisable to consult a therapist? What exactly is a therapist, and how does the professional listener differ from other advisors? Does seeing a therapist mean we have a mental health problem? Will people think less of us if we see a therapist? Are there specific concerns in the Jewish community? How does taking such a step affect one's ability to find a wife or husband? And can it affect one's livelihood?
An individual (or a couple) needs therapy when he or she cannot make certain problems go away. Among these problems are excessive and/or recurring sadness, nervousness, agitation, insomnia, moodiness, anger, fear, and anxiety. If a person cannot stop drinking or smoking, or eats excessively, he may need therapy. If a couple cannot experience happiness together, therapy may be desirable.
There should be no stigma attached to seeing a therapist, but some people's preconceptions and fears prevent them from getting the help they need. For instance, nineteen-year-old Chava suffered from serious depression, which she expressed in surly behavior. However, her family didn't "believe" in therapists and refused to let her see one. Eventually they were forced to take her for emergency treatment, after which she attempted suicide.
Mental disorders can worsen if left untreated. Had Chava's parents been more aware of the differences between an emotional disorder and a simple case of a "bad attitude," they might have sought the professional assistance their daughter so badly needed.
Sometimes pride prevents people from getting help. Joseph and Judy were experiencing severe marital distress, but Joseph was not about to let a "shrink" interfere in his personal life. Joseph's stubbornness led to divorce. Judy had begged him to come with her for therapy. When he refused, she saw only two choices: to live a life of misery, or to leave him. She chose the second option. Had Joseph known that marital therapy is a dignified and respectful process that often restores and enhances harmony, he might have spared his family the trauma and pain of breakup.
Then there is Reuven, who recognized the value of professional help, yet would not go to an Orthodox therapist. As a prominent member of his community, Reuven was ashamed to present his problems to an Orthodox counselor, because every therapist in the city knew who he was. Instead he consulted a non-Jewish psychotherapist, who, although competent, did not understand Jewish family life. After a year of therapy, during which time Reuven built up an intimate bond with the therapist, he decided to leave his family in order to "do better for himself." The therapist had helped Reuven recognize how his family was "stunting his growth" and how Yiddishkeit was not something that he genuinely needed or valued.
Obviously it is important to choose a therapist who shares your religious values, or, at minimum, understands and respects them. If you can find a skilled Orthodox therapist to treat you, that is the ideal. If this option is not available, don't be afraid to question the therapist you are considering about his or her view of Orthodox Judaism.
We know today that people are born with biological tendencies to various problems. When faced with stress, some people are prone to depression, while others are predisposed to anxiety, and still others to stomach disease. There is nothing shameful about having mental health problems. These must be treated just as we would treat a headache, an ulcer, or diabetes. Successful treatment can mean the difference between a successful life, marriage, and career, and failure.
Not all people who consult professional helpers actually have an emotional disorder. Some are just stressed, unhappy, uncertain, or otherwise troubled. Therapists can help people mature, grow, and develop as well as feel better.
Is there shame in consulting a professional? The only shame comes in cowardice, in not facing a problem that must be faced. Men and women with courage and strength do not shy from issues they must address. A common concern is whether a person who has consulted a therapist will have trouble finding a shidduch or a job. In today's world, there should be no stigma in consulting a mental health professional. Furthermore, trying to hide untreated mental health disorders by not going to a therapist is like trying to hide an elephant in the living room. The truth will become evident — with disastrous results if it comes to light after the wedding rather than beforehand. People who receive treatment have nothing to hide, because they have confronted their bull by the horns and have moved on to a successful life.
It is hard to generalize when it comes to the issue of disclosure. There are instances where it is important to tell a prospective mate that you were, or currently are, in therapy, and cases where this may not be wise. Here is where your rabbinic advisor comes in; preferably a question of this sort should be addressed to a rabbi who has a positive outlook on the mental health professions.
We are fortunate that today people can get the professional help they need to lead a productive life. There are many Torah-observant and Torah-sensitive therapists who can help us grow and heal, so that we reach our true potential and achieve joy in living.
Sarah Chana Radcliffe is a psychological associate in private practice in Toronto. She is a member of the College of Psychologists of Ontario. She is the author of Smooth Sailing: Navigating Life's Challenges and four other books on Jewish family life and emotional well-being.
Therapists are professionals who can assess and treat emotional difficulties. These professionals come from different academic backgrounds and disciplines.
For example, psychiatrists are medically trained, with four additional years of schooling in mental disorders and their treatment. Social workers usually have a two-year master's degree following a general studies undergraduate program. They may also be trained in clinical work. Psychologists with a doctorate have approximately nine years of academic preparation with a year of supervised training and experience, while those holding a master's degree have about six years of training in psychology with up to four years of supervised training and experience. Mental health counselors and marriage and family therapists have various kinds of training and preparation for professional practice. All these professionals may be called counselors, therapists, or psychotherapists.
How do you know a therapist is for real? A legitimate therapist will be a member of a professional association and accountable to an ethics committee. Be aware that there are unscrupulous people with no professional training who practice their version of psychotherapy. It is essential to ascertain that your therapist is certified or licensed to practice professionally in your region.
Among mental health professionals, only psychiatrists can prescribe medication for mental disorders. Also, any one therapist is limited in the scope of his or her practice, which means that the therapist has training in only certain areas. For example, one psychologist may have no training in marital therapy, while another has spent years in this field. One social worker specializes in treating children, while another never works with people less than eighteen years of age. One psychiatrist treats his clients with short-term cognitive therapy, while another does strictly long-term psychoanalysis. It is essential to match your problem with your therapist’s proficiencies. This means asking about them!
—S. C. R.