Dear Ruth,

I am a mother of five girls who finds herself in a difficult position when it comes to the middle one. She tends to demand attention and to play the victim in certain situations. For example, one recent morning she got up very happy and played with her sisters. But when it was time for all the kids to wash their hands for breakfast, she sat on the floor and refused to cooperate. Having become accustomed to this sort of mood change, my husband and I ignored her, rather than yelling at her and giving her the attention she was seeking.

Finally we all sat down to breakfast. She started to cry very softly. She gave us a look as if we were torturing her. I could take no more, and I yelled at her to stop. Of course, this means that I lost, by giving her attention for her negative behavior. I want the best for my wants-to-be-special four-year-old daughter.

Esther

Dear Esther,

There is nothing wrong in wanting to be special. Each of us needs to feel special, and no matter how big the family, each child must know that she is special and that she has a unique relationship with her parents.

A middle child often feels insecure. When a child seeks attention, we may avoid giving it, instead of recognizing that for those few minutes the child is overwhelmed by insecurity and needs reassurance.

By using terms such as ‘demand’ and ‘play the victim’ to describe the behavior of a four-year-old, you are seeing her as an adult rather than a child. Therefore, you react as one would react to an adult who is behaving similarly. But a child is not an adult!

There is nothing wrong with criticizing your daughter’s behavior, but you have to add that you love her. Remember, she is four years old! It sounds like she is a happy girl who occasionally needs extra reassurance.

I suggest that you acknowledge her positive behavior when she is happy. Her negative behavior and insecurity may melt away.

Dear Ruth,

Everyone thinks I am a kind, sweet-natured person, a person who puts herself out for anyone and does it willingly and smilingly. Also, people think they can say hurtful things to me, since I don’t respond in kind.

But I am not that way inside. Inside I am angry, bitter, and resentful. Once or twice I have lost control in front of my family; I have exploded and said terrible and damaging things. Yet generally I keep my anger contained. Those who have seen my outbursts are stunned, since such behavior seems so out of character for me. But it is not out of character. Sometimes I think that this is indeed my true character.

I don’t know how to cope with this. I feel that one day I will burst out at the wrong time and in the wrong place, and that I will lose my good reputation and all my friends. I hate to feel this way. I want to be truly kind and sweet.

Jeanette

Dear Jeanette,

I am sure that you are basically the wonderful person you want to be. It is not mutually exclusive to be kind and yet stand up for yourself and your rights. I think that you say yes at too many times when you really want to say no.

You feel that if you don’t do what others ask you to do, you will lose their friendship and their affection, and so you continue to be compliant at the expense of your self-respect.

We all have duties, things we have no choice but to do. You do not seem to be complaining about these. I gather you are chafing at the extra things with which people burden you because you are obliging enough to accept the load.

Your rare outbursts are the result of bottled-up anger at not being able to say no. You would not build up this anger if you made a habit of periodically “discharging” it. I do not mean that you should resort to outbursts. Rather, train yourself to be assertive and to let others know how you truly feel. Learn to do this in a way that is not bitter or aggressive.

For starters, say, “I would love to, but . . .” explaining why you won’t do what is being asked of you. This is a pleasant but effective way of saying no.

Now, when someone seems to be insulting you, ask the person in a firm but pleasant way what he means. Say, “I know you wouldn’t deliberately hurt someone, so what you said must have come out wrong. What did you really mean?” Inevitably the person will rephrase the statement, regardless of his original intention. He will also consider his words more carefully in the future, since he knows that his words may be challenged.

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Ruth Benjamin
The Jewish Homemaker
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