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The enabler always means well, attempting to protect him/herself and assist the dysfunctional person, but often it all backfires. |
Enabling is the word used to describe one type of helping behavior. The enabler "helps" another person. But, he or she helps too much. Indeed, the enabler may help the other person to eventually become less functional.
The term enabling was first used in the context of alcoholic families. In these dysfunctional families, the alcoholic has a problem and his family-wife and children-may actually perpetuate the problem by their reactions to him. For example, they may attempt to cover up the drinking problem by refusing to talk about it or by hiding the problem from others. Enablers may also make it easier for the alcoholic to continue drinking by relieving him of his responsibilities; the wife may take on the financial support of the family and the children may take on all the chores. They may do many things, anything actually, rather than confront him and call him to task. This is called enabling.
However, it is not only addicted families that experience the enabling syndrome. Certainly where alcohol, drug, food, money and other addictions are existing, enabling also exists. But where any kind of dysfunction occurs-such as physical or emotional abuse, passivity, refusal to accept responsibilities-enabling is most often co-existing. Enabling is the co-dependent person's attempt to cope with the problem. (The co-dependent is a person living or working intimately with the dysfunctional person). The enabler chooses to "help" the dysfunctional person for many good reasons. Sometimes the motive is sincere altruism and kindness; other times it is an intense desire by the enabler to continue the relationship (or to maintain the family); in other cases enabling derives from a person's feelings of inadequacy or low self-esteem. The enabler always means well, attempting to protect him/herself and assist the dysfunctional person, but often it all backfires.
The enabler tries hard to keep it all together. But no matter how hard he or she tries, things ultimately fall apart. A cycle sets in. The enabler attempts to overcompensate for the dysfunctional family member or colleague which, in turn, allows the dysfunctional person's condition to deteriorate even further. As a result, the enabler feels almost constantly betrayed and enraged. This kind of emotion cannot facilitate the growth of healthy relationships; on the contrary, it is destructive. Even if the enabler successfully hides his or her disappointment, hurt and anger, the very presence of these emotions present a barrier to intimacy and mutual respect. And since the entire process of enabling operates subtly and covertly, this disappointment and pain is never discussed, never brought into the open. Instead, it is permitted to fester beneath the surface, causing emotional harm to its perpetrators and to the vicarious victims who watch the process.
Children, for example, who live in a household with one enabling parent and one dysfunctional parent, grow up to have many psychological difficulties. They may feel out of control in their lives or become perfectionists in an attempt to gain control. In other situations, they may learn and acquire the enabling pattern. The secrecy and deception in their lives leads them to mistrust others and to have difficulty in forming their own healthy relationships.
Enablers may be spouses, parents, children or co-workers. Let's look at some examples of each. To begin with, we'll examine the case of Suri and Abe.
Suri is a woman with a "weak constitution." She tires easily and has trouble coping. She can rarely get it together to make dinner, especially since the birth of her first child. But since Abe is hungry when he comes home from work, he begins to take it upon himself to make dinner. He feels he is helping Suri, since it's obvious that she is overwhelmed and exhausted with her baby care responsibilities. Suri, seeing that Abe is pitching in, decides to use that extra hour to lie down for a bit. When she lies down, Abe figures he might also throw in a load of wash so to ensure that he has clean shirts for work. After a few weeks, the cycles begins to perpetuate itself; Suri rests a little longer each time, and Abe does a little more housework. At first, Abe is glad to help out, feeling that Suri really needs him. And, conversely, he needs to be needed. Abe's a little insecure of himself and he likes the acknowledgment and gratitude that Suri shows him. However, as the months wear on, Abe finds that Suri seems to be getting more and more helpless and he is doing more and more housework in addition to supporting the family. He begins to feel uncared for and resentful seeing that everything depends on him. This gives him both good and bad feelings; it's good to be so essential but bad to feel so used. His anger and hurt start to spill into the relationship but Suri is truly shocked. After all, who told him to help if he didn't want to? She doesn't understand his rage and she is indignant that he dares to complain about something he volunteered to do out of the kindness of his own heart. Their relationship begins to crumble.
Marriage is fertile ground for enablers, especially those who misinterpret Jewish marital precepts. For example, the concept of Aizer K'negdo-the wife as "help-mate"-can be misinterpreted by a woman with enabling tendencies. A Jewish woman is created to help her husband-not do EVERYTHING for him! Her assistance, like his assistance to her, is intended to be supportive and complementary. She is not trying to replace him! Conversely, there is nothing in Jewish law that says husbands can't cook or clean if this is called for, or that they can't tend to babies and children when necessary. A woman who needs her husband's help can and should call upon him. Similarly, a woman may help her husband to make parnassah if this is necessary for them; especially in situations where exhaustion and burnout may inevitably result in resentment and distance between the spouses.
The aforementioned refers to cases in which one spouse takes over because the other one seems not to be able to do his or her share. And unless a person has married a handicapped person, one should assume that their spouse is normal enough to undertake the normal tasks of living. However, the enabling pattern does not refer to cases of a person agreeing to do something for someone else in a mutually satisfying arrangement. For example, if a woman agrees to take over all household responsibilities in order to free her husband for Torah learning and SHE experiences satisfaction from his input (of Torah learning), then this is a mutually gratifying exchange-and not an enabling pattern.
Parents can also enable their children. For instance, when a parent allows a child to be irresponsible in school work or household chores, the parent encourages further irresponsibility to set in. Since the parent doesn't confront and discipline the child, the child learns that he or she is free to do as he or she pleases. Thus, the parents contribute to the child's increasing dysfunction. Parents must be strong enough to set limits and impose consequences on their children; refusal to do so is enabling.
Enabling even occurs in the workplace. If a secretary covers up for her boss's inadequate performance, she enables him to do more of the same. He increasingly relies upon her and she takes over more and more responsibilities. At first she feels appreciated and essential. Eventually she feels abused. The situation gets out of hand as she begins to be overwhelmed with responsibility and resentment.
People who enable others usually do so in all their close relationships. The enabling secretary may have been an enabling child who "helped" her inadequate father; or she may have ran the household in order to replace an inadequate mother. Enablers are drawn to dysfunctional people and vice versa-dysfunctional people are drawn to enablers like magnets. It is a complementary relationship. The cycle can, however, be broken. Enablers need to become aware of their tendencies, to notice how they take on too much or try too hard to help. They need to be forgiving of themselves in order to begin the recovery process. Of course their motives had originated as good intentions. And they may have acquired enabling tendencies in childhood under circumstances in which enabling behavior was a necessary survival strategy. They may also have been enabling in adulthood as a reasonable coping strategy as well. However, with awareness-and often with professional psychological counseling-the enabler can break that cycle and move into healthier ways of relating: ways that don't have such negative side effects. Reading about co-dependency and enabling is a good first step. Attending support groups such as the "Twelve-Step Programs" for addicted people and their families can help. Attending assertiveness training programs can also help. Most of all, however, a determination to break the pattern is essential. Enabling is not an incurable disease! On the contrary, enablers can develop new ways of interacting and relating and go on to have successful, satisfying relationships!
Sarah Chanah Radcliffe, M. Ed., is a counselor in private practice in Toronto, Canada. She is the author of five books on Jewish family life and emotional well being.