by Dr. Scott Turansky

A parenting counselor teaches how HONOR is the SOLUTION to your child’s BAD ATTITUDE

“But Mommm!”

We’ve all heard it: the negative reply and the bad attitude that follow an instruction we give to our child. Is it possible to get rid of bad attitudes in our home? The answer is yes, but we parents must change before we can expect our children to follow suit.

The Torah says, “Honor your father and mother.” Why? Because G-d knows that there’s a tendency to do the opposite, to forget the value of Mom or Dad. Therefore, from the time children are very young, they need to learn what honor is and why it is important. And when you are teaching children what honor means in practical terms, attitude is a good place to start.

Many parents who recognize the importance of teaching obedience still find their family relationships lacking. Although obedience gets the job done, honor addresses how the job is done. Obedience is revealed in actions; honor is revealed in the attitude that goes along with those actions. Honor keeps the family running smoothly. It brings joy to the giver as well as to the receiver. But honoring others doesn’t come naturally; it needs to be taught.

One father explains how he got the message of honor across to Ruth, his seven-year-old daughter: “She was yelling at her sister, so I called her upstairs to talk about it. Ruth was so angry that she began yelling at me. I told her that she needed to take a break and settle down.

“About a minute later she came back, but she was obviously not changed. Her head was tilted down, her posture was slumping, and her bottom lip was sticking out. I told her, ‘I still see a problem with your attitude, Ruth. I can tell you’re not ready to talk with me yet. You still have a problem in your heart. I want you to go spend some more time alone, until you’re ready to come back with a different attitude.’

“This time she stayed away for about twenty minutes. When she returned, she was obviously different. In fact, I took her head in my hands, looked deep into her eyes, and said, ‘I can see your heart in there. It looks pretty nice right now. It looks like you’re ready to talk about this.’

“Ruth giggled, and then we talked about the problem. I explained to her that she is not permitted to yell at her dad. We talked about the right responses she can have when she is angry with her sister. I was able to teach Ruth because I first addressed her bad attitude.”

Too often, parents focus only on getting the right actions. But behavioral change is not enough. Honor deals with deeper issues in family life, like a child’s attitude. Honor teaches children to consider the needs of others, not just their own.

Parents may think that the negative attitude they see in their children is simply a stage that they’ll outgrow. Unfortunately, instead of growing out of a bad attitude, children actually grow into it.

G-d provided honor as the solution to a bad attitude. In fact, a promise of long life and well being accompanies the instruction for children to honor their parents (Deuteronomy 5:16). A bad attitude is selfish. Honor counteracts selfishness, and in a positive way.

A bad attitude often comes from an angry spirit. Imagine an onion with various layers. As you peel off one layer, you see another and another, until you get to the center of the onion. Anger is like that. The most obvious signs of anger — the first layer — are acts of physical violence, including hitting, slamming things, kicking, and biting.

As children learn to control their physical reactions, the next layer becomes obvious. It involves hurtful words — sarcasm, teasing, cynicism. Layer after layer of angry responses can be removed until you come to a very significant one: the bad attitude. Once you reach the bad attitude layer, you’re dealing with the heart directly.

Helping Children Change

A bad attitude is generally seen in three areas: when the child is given an instruction, when the child is corrected, and when the child gets a “no” answer to her request. Here is a program for dealing with bad attitudes in children.

1. Make observations. Sometimes children don’t realize that they are responding inappropriately. Your first task is to raise the awareness level. You can say: “I see you’re disappointed by the way you’re rolling your eyes, but that’s not an honoring way to treat me.” Or: “I can tell by your sad face that you don’t want to do what I asked you to do, but that kind of bad attitude is not helpful.” In the beginning, just point out the facial expressions, groans, or negative comments. Pointing these things out sends the message that if not changed, the next step will be disciplinary.

2. The Parent/Child Evaluation Meeting. After a few days of observation, explain to your child the importance of a good attitude and that you will not allow a bad attitude to go unchecked. Explain that honor is important even when you don’t feel like being honoring. If parents allow children to be dishonoring at home, then they will grow up with a bad attitude, which will hinder them later in life. Tell your child that you will be taking corrective steps each time you see a bad attitude and will be expecting her to change. This kind of meeting explains the “rules of play” for children, so that they aren’t surprised at the consequences of continued conduct.

3. Take a Break. When a child demonstrates a bad attitude, ask her to “take a break.” This means that the child will go to a predetermined place such as a hall, stairway, or bedroom. Her assignment is to change her heart and come back to address the bad attitude when she’s ready. This step takes some training, but it should be a regular part of the child’s correction. Parents who try to confront and deal with a bad attitude on the spot often become the brunt of anger. Rather, send her to take a break first. (Do not confuse taking a break with the popular “time out,” which is a punishment. Taking a break is not a punishment for what the child has done, but rather a way to involve the child in the changing process.)

4. A Positive Conclusion. The length of the break is up to the child. Some can change in a minute while others take an hour, but the child must know that the next step is to report back to Mom or Dad. When the child returns, ask, “What did you do wrong?” The child’s response will help you know if she is ready to return to family life. If a bad attitude persists, send her back to the break. If she is ready to talk about it with a good attitude, discuss the inappropriate behavior along with suggestions for healthy alternatives.

How should a child respond when given an instruction she’d rather not follow? “Okay,” is a good place to start. How should a child respond when being corrected? “I’m sorry,” or “I was wrong.” How should a child respond when disappointed with a no answer? “Okay, maybe next time.” Honor redirects a bad attitude into constructive responses. This may sound unrealistic if your children have developed strong patterns of opposition. These suggestions, though, will give you direction and get your children thinking.

One day a mother heard some arguing in the playroom. As she listened, she determined that Jacob, age eight, was telling the other children how to play a particular game. Listening further, she realized that Jacob wasn’t even playing the game, but was interfering, telling his friends that they were playing the wrong way.

Mom called Jacob out of the room and told him that he shouldn’t correct the other children like that. When they had finished talking, he went back into the playroom and told the other children that the game was his and they couldn’t play with it. Jacob did change his behavior, but he still had a heart problem that showed in his controlling, selfish attitude.

Mom then sent Jacob to his room to change his heart. Eventually Jacob changed his attitude and went back to enjoy time with his friends.

Some children have a hard time overcoming a negative mood. One helpful idea is to have your child rake leaves or sweep the walk instead of just sitting in the bedroom. These jobs become ways to let off steam rather than brooding.

Ask yourself, “Why is this child struggling with a bad attitude?” This will help you focus your discipline. One mom recognized that her five-year-old son needed more sleep. “I was amazed at how much better our day went after I began enforcing an earlier bedtime.” Another mom realized that her nine-year-old needed to learn perseverance, the ability to hang in there when things get tough.

Abigail, age eight, tended to engage in negative self-talk: “I’m no good”; “I can’t do anything right”; “Nobody likes me.” Her anger was focused on herself, resulting in a bad attitude. Dad helped Abigail by making a list of the negative statements he heard. Later, after Abigail settled down, he showed the list to his daughter. “Do you believe these things?”

“Sometimes.”

“Well, they’re not true, but I think you say them because you’re angry. It’s not honoring to yourself. If I hear you saying these things, I’m going to have you take a break, and then we’re going to talk about it.”

Honor Is a Gift

Try this idea with your children. Wrap one gift for each member of your family. Each gift should contain two pieces of candy, one to keep and one to give away. Also gift wrap a small plastic bag of dirt. Bring your family together and talk about honor: “Showing honor is like giving a gift. I want to give one of you a gift to help us all remember this idea. In fact, you can tell that a person appreciates a gift by his facial expression. The same is true when we honor others. People appreciate it and you can see it on their faces.”

At this point, give the nicely wrapped gift of dirt to one of your children as everyone else watches her open it. Watch her facial expression as it turns from excited anticipation to disappointment. Continue by explaining, “Many times we treat each other in dishonoring ways, with a bad attitude, and it’s like giving dirt to them.”

Then pull out the other gifts. Tell your children that you didn’t want this lesson to be remembered by a gift of dirt, so you’ve decided to give a real gift as well. As they open the gifts of candy, tell them that there are two pieces inside, one to keep and one to give away, to show honor to someone else.

Having a bad attitude is like giving a gift of dirt. This visual illustration helps people think about the way they treat others.

Honor brings joy to relationships, and G-d has created the family as the place to learn it. Bad attitudes provide opportunities to teach children honor. Not only will honor help children change the way they relate to childhood disappointments; it will benefit them for the rest of their lives.

Dr. Scott Turansky is a counselor and teacher. He and his wife Carrie, who live in Lawrenceville, NJ, are the proud parents of five attitudinally adjusted teenagers.

Buy or make posters that express the value of a positive or winning attitude, reminding children that attitude is a choice.

Model proper thinking. When you find yourself having a bad attitude, don’t be afraid to be real, share your experience, and talk about how to move to a more positive attitude.

Use picture words, especially with young children, to help them see their attitude. Use words like cloudy, dark, mean-faced, scowling, or pouting to refer to a bad attitude, and bubbly, sunshine, or a smiling heart to represent a good attitude.

Talk about the difference between wishes, desires, and demands. Those who struggle with a bad attitude often find that they are more demanding and must move their intensity level back down to desires and wishes.

Talk about the need people have to control their world. Point out ways your child is being controlling. There are a lot of things that you can’t control in life, but one thing you can control is your attitude.

Help children learn to see roadblocks in life as potential blessings, conflict as opportunity, closed doors as a chance to redirect energy.

Encourage children to put on a good attitude along with their clothes in the morning, and to check the mirror to make sure their attitude is on straight. Not only do you have an attitude, but you leave one wherever you go.

An attitude can be shaped by the input received. It’s important to guard what a child watches and reads, and to be mindful of the friends with whom he or she spends time.