Dear Ruth,AI consider myself very fortunate in that I am married and live near many members of my family, my eldest sister actually living next door to me.
Please don't think that I don't appreciate this. It is wonderful to have them all so close, and I really value and need their support.
I recently had a baby girl and they were all there every step of the way. I honestly don't know what I would have done without them.
The problem is that being the youngest in the family, everyone keeps giving me advice. No, advice is the wrong word. It isn't just advice. Everyone keeps telling me what to do! My eldest sister has been the best and the worst.
She is the best in that she is always there for me. She makes Shabbos for me. She tidies my apartment for me. She washes my dishes and does most of our laundry. She has been doing these things for so many years for herself and other members of the family that these things just come naturally to her. What takes me many hours takes her 20 minutes. She regularly diapers my baby and prepares her formula.
But on the other hand, she can also be the worst. She gives me advice about everything. She tells me how I should talk to my baby. She insists I do all kinds of things which are contrary to what I am reading in the latest magazines, and she doesn't even read these magazines. She tells me what kind of clothes I should wear and how I should brush my sheitel.
To top it off, my brother has told us exactly how to arrange our furniture. Between all my siblings, they tell us how to do everything! To describe it in detail would take too long, but it is enough to say it just about covers everything we do on a day-to-day level.
I want to be me! I want to do my own thing! I want to cook what I want and to wear what I want. I want my home to be ours, not my sister's. I hate it when everyone wants to give me advice and tell me what to do.
How can I tell my family, especially my sister, to leave me alone?
Sincerely,
Bassie
Dear Bassie,QYou speak of your sister being the best and the worst, and you describe the things that make her so.
You may be surprised to hear that I feel one of the main problems lies in what she does best.
You need to be making your own Shabbos (though there is nothing wrong with a little help from your family or a gift of homemade challah). You need to be tidying your own house, doing your own laundry and dishes, diapering your own baby and preparing her formula.
Being the youngest in the family, everyone keeps giving me advice. No, not advice. Everyone keeps telling me what to do! Your family is obviously very close, and as you say, you are the 'baby' of the family.
A baby has to grow up, and as it does things for itself, the parent (as you will see with your daughter) allows the child the freedom to develop.
For instance: When a child first learns to stand, the mother tends to hover over it to try to avert the inevitable falls. When the child takes its first unsteady steps, the mother is thrilled but tense and alert to steady him as soon as it is necessary. A month or so later, it does not even occur to the mother to follow the child to stop it from falling. The child has shown that walking has become second nature.
It is important for you to take over from your sister the running of your household, and she, and other members of your family, will probably leave you to make your own decisions.
Close family members will inevitably give some advice. You have to learn to take this as advice and not as 'telling you what to do.' They are telling you 'what has worked for them.'
Listen to what they have to say. Thank them for their advice. Tell them that you might even try it, but at present you and your husband have decided to do things differently. If they persist, you could perhaps ask them why it is so important for them that you should do it their way. If you find something contrary in a reputable magazine, you can show them the article and discuss it with them.
A point to remember: Don't reject all advice just because it comes from your family. Many people find themselves actually doing the opposite of what they really want because they don't want to do what their family does. Remember that this advice comes from people you love and respect.
Dear Ruth,AMy daughter is 11 and tends to read a lot of books that are really intended for adults. She has finished most of the available Jewish books and some of the classics, but now she will often pick up anything she finds at the library. I'm sure it is not good for an 11-year-old to be exposed to certain adult ideas and themes. What do you think?
Sincerely,
Ettie G.
Dear Ettie,Your daughter is obviously highly intelligent and able to absorb much more than she is emotionally able to handle at this stage. Even outside of a Jewish context, an 11-year- old who reads whatever is available in the adult section of the library can find herself having to deal with ideas and situations that are potentially very damaging.
Ask your daughter if she hasn't come up with things in her reading that she knows she should not be reading and that disturb her profoundly.
The mind is powerful, and there are people, especially those who love reading, who can enter the book, as it were, and live in it. We take great pains to monitor where our children go, with whom they are friendly, and who is influencing them. We should feel the same about what they read. One is alone in a world with the author, absorbing subtly the author's ideas, the author's morals, the author's likes and dislikes and attitudes.
We take great pains to monitor where our children go, with whom they are friendly, and who is influencing them. We should feel the same about what they read. I think it is important to explain this to your daughter: that she should choose who she wants to influence her.
Reading a Jewish book, even an adult Jewish book, published by a company that is recognized in the Orthodox Jewish world can have a profound positive influence. And one can read books over and over and still find something new in them.
Many of us don't realize how many Jewish books (especially biographies) there actually are—almost enough for a new book every day. Request the catalogues of publishing houses like ArtScroll, Feldheim, Targum, C.I.S., Hachai and others. Do all you can to obtain these books.
It is well worth making an agreement with your daughter that the two of you—together— will carefully choose what she reads. If she has only appropriate books, she will read only appropriate books.
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