Hachnasat Orchim
How distressed I was to see some sharp, hurtful words wrapped up in the pious-sounding text of Barbara Bensoussan’s article on hachnasat orchim (“A Balancing Act,” April).
Mrs. Bensoussan notes that the Jewish people are rachamanim b’nei rachamanim — merciful — and that with the “emotional and spiritual hunger” in the world today, hachnasat orchim is “vital for so many people who are lost and alone.” But in the course of her article, she manages to malign those very people who are in need.
She characterizes older singles as “eccentric,” thus perpetuating a stereotype that makes it so difficult for these people to find mates in the Orthodox community. After all, who would want to be matched up with an “eccentric” person “who [has] been alone for many years and [has] no one else they can count on for a steady invitation”?
She says that “some singles and ba’alei teshuvah” — I wonder how many readers will remember that qualifying word “some” and how many will tar these groups with one brush — “in their earnestness to share the details of their life struggles with a sympathetic ear, forget that children should not be exposed to adult-oriented subject matter.”
“Adult-oriented”? I assume any guest with a modicum of politeness would not mention immodest subjects in front of children. Or is Mrs. Bensoussan saying that any of the details of such a person’s life struggles are too “adult” for children’s delicate ears? Children are exposed to family tragedies such as illness and death. Are these any less “adult-oriented” topics than the striving of a single to find acceptance?
It is these attitudes that cause no end of heartache to singles and ba’alei teshuvah — and cause some of them to give up and leave the community in search of the love and fulfillment they need as human beings. Perhaps people like Mrs. Bensoussan heave a small sigh of relief that these folks are no longer there to “put a strain” on her family.
I am proud that I have a daughter who welcomes older singles and ba’alei teshuvah to her warm Shabbos and yom tov tables. But then again, my daughter knows firsthand how difficult it can be for these people to find a caring welcome, because I was in that position for many years. I was one of those who ended up going outside the Orthodox community to find my destined mate. He and I have been happily married for almost eight years, but I will never forget the daily hurt and heartache of being an older ba’alat teshuvah single in a “merciful” Orthodox community.
Phyllis M. LaVietes
DeSoto, TX
I am sorry if you were offended by some of the words I employed in my article. That was not my intent.
When I applauded my friends who cheerfully receive a crowd of “older, often eccentric singles” into their homes week after week, I did not mean to imply that singles — old or young — are generally eccentric. Clearly most of them are not. I was simply emphasizing the exceptional chessed my friends do by continually inviting certain people in our community whom many other families do not invite. These “eccentric, older singles” are the exception, not the rule, in the singles world. Most of the Shabbos guests I’ve seen are single and not in the least bit odd.
I am sure that you would not be so thoughtless as to bring up “adult-oriented” subject matter at a table filled with young children. Yet I have seen a few guests go deeply into the details of their shidduchim, details that sometimes border on the immodest. I was not assessing blame, especially among ba’alei teshuvah, who may not yet recognize that some of us find these issues inappropriate for a Shabbos-table discussion; I was only pointing out that such situations can be uncomfortable for the host family. But I have no problem with someone discussing struggles to do teshuvah, find a bashert, or generally work out life’s problems.
While I did write that hachnasat orchim “puts a strain” on my family, this was not a critique of my guests, the great majority of whom become close friends. The “strain” results when children feel that they are not getting attention because their parents concentrate on the orchim instead of on them. Parents have to find a balance between taking care of their own and taking care of others, a balance that will be different for each family.
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