Esther: “I’m so upset. I tried so hard on this test, but I still got a terrible mark!”
Eli: “Why should I care?”

This dialogue typifies a lack of emotional intelligence on Eli’s part. His sister Esther sorely requires empathy at this moment, but Eli is cold to her need. He won’t score any friendship points, and he won’t gain any mitzvos, either.

Emotional Intelligence Quotient, or E.Q., is an indicator of our emotional smarts. Today we know that I.Q., the measure of our school smarts (intellectual intelligence), may predict academic success, but it does not predict success in life. On the other hand, emotional intelligence is correlated not merely with academic achievement but with success on the job, in family life, in relationships, and in other areas. High E.Q. even leads to good physical and mental health!

The emotionally intelligent person pays attention to his inner world. He uses his emotions as an important source of information. This information guides him in all facets of life, helping him to make good choices — from clothing to career. It also tunes him in to the feelings of others and to what they need from him. The ability to meet those needs makes the emotionally intelligent person socially and professionally successful.

Emotional intelligence paves the royal road to fulfilling interpersonal mitzvos. The ability to encourage others, show compassion, and convey love depends on having emotional intelligence. Insensitivity that results from a lack of emotional intelligence can lead to the transgression of laws that apply bein adam lachaveiro, between people.

How can parents have an impact on their children’s E.Q? Although children are born with certain personality traits and temperaments, parents can influence the way in which these characteristics will develop. A child may be naturally shy, but if parents keep telling her that she is shy, they reinforce the trait rather than counteracting it. One way of accomplishing the latter would be to enroll the child in a drama class.

Similarly, the way parents interact with their children can contribute to or hinder the development of emotional intelligence. In his book Raising an Emotionally Intelligent Child, Dr. John Gottman describes three common parenting processes that hinder the development of emotional intelligence.

1) The Dismissive Process
Julie: “I hate swimming! I’m not going!”
Julie’s mother: “Calm down! Look at all the other children who are swimming! If they can do it, you can do it.”

Julie’s mom wants to put an end to her daughter’s distress. However, Mom’s strategy is wrong. Rather than accepting Julie’s position as the starting point by accepting and validating it, she rejects Julie’s feelings. This dismissive process teaches Julie that her feelings are wrong. As a result, Julie begins to lose trust in her inner experience; she loses her internal reference point.

Julie’s mother means well; she and parents like her don’t recognize the harm they do by invalidating a child’s emotions. Her parenting style sees negative emotions such as fear, sadness, and frustration as undesirables that should be eliminated. When a twelve-year-old girl tells her parent that nobody likes her, the dismissive parent may argue: “What do you mean? You have so many friends!” The parent tries to talk the child out of her insecurity. The child’s insecurity scares the parent. In reality, the only way to change a feeling is to accept it. Feelings cannot be argued away. But once validated, feelings generally will disappear or resolve on their own.

An emotionally intelligent response to this child might go along these lines: “So you think that nobody likes you — what makes you feel that way?”

2) The Disapproving Process
Yossie: “I hate swimming! I’m not going!”
Yossie’s father: “Don’t be such a baby!”

Like the dismissive process, the disapproving process focuses on changing a child’s negative emotions into happy ones. However, while dismissiveness stops at non-acceptance of negative feelings, disapproval goes further, actively criticizing the undesirable emotion.

The disapproving parent may judge his child’s feelings harshly, assessing them as ridiculous, immature, inappropriate, or abnormal. For example, if a father sees his seven-year-old son cry because he was insulted, disapproving Dad may call the boy a “sissy.” When she sees that her daughter tends to be moody, Mom might reprimand, “You’ve got the wrong attitude. You should be grateful for what you have!”

The disapproving parent may view his child’s negative emotion as wasted on insignificance. If a five-year-old cries because a sibling finished his favorite cereal, the disapproving parent may admonish the youngster not to waste tears on such a silly matter. This response ignores and belittles the child’s feelings. To the child, cereal choice is a very important matter. A child who is battered by ongoing criticism eventually learns to hide his true feelings so that they will not lead to a harsh response by his parents. He trusts neither himself nor his mother and father. Intimacy becomes a challenge for him.

3) The Laissez-Faire Process
Chanah: “I don’t want to go swimming! I hate swimming! I’m not going!”
Chanah’s mother: “That’s fine. Let’s go home, then.”

The laissez-faire parent accepts all negative emotional expression and even provides comfort for it. However, she neglects to offer guidance on defeating this expression and behavior. Chanah’s mother accepts Chanah’s disdain for swimming, but offers no solution.

Sixteen-year-old Moshe wants his mother to pick up his shirt from the cleaner because he needs it that night. She agrees, but forgets to make the pickup. Agitated, he yells: “I asked you for one thing and you promised you’d do it! I can’t count on you for anything! I need that shirt, and you’ve wrecked my night!” His mother responds: “I’m so sorry! I got an emergency phone call and it threw me off — I completely forgot about your shirt! I understand how annoying this is for you. I’m really sorry.” Moshe’s evening is saved when he borrows a shirt from a friend, and no more is said about the episode.

The laissez-faire parent neglects to teach her child that although feelings are acceptable, disrespectful behavior is not. This parent lets an angry child speak rudely and even be physically violent or aggressive. The upset child is permitted to cry at the top of his lungs for an hour; the frightened child is permitted to skip his swimming lesson. The laissez-faire parent believes that emotional expression is important and shouldn’t be limited — to the point that she will not help her child problem-solve.

This style of parenting causes children to be overwhelmed by their own emotions, leaving them anxious and ineffective in their grown-up lives. They need a secure parent to help them work through their fears, grief, or negativity by addressing the emotion head-on. Making the bad feeling go away by removing the stimulus prevents the development of emotional intelligence.

The Emotional Coaching Process
Having warned us of the negative consequences of these three styles of parenting, Dr. Gottman tells us about emotional coaching, the parenting process that actually builds emotional intelligence.

The “emotional coach” is a parent who is willing to identify and deal with a child’s negative feelings. This parent knows that the emotion is a current reality, not a predictor of future failure or mental illness. The child’s feelings are validated and respected. Then, if necessary, the parent offers guidance on emotional expression and problem-solving.

Let’s say that Moshe’s mom was in emotional coaching mode regarding his neglected shirt. Undaunted by his rude behavior, she follows the steps of emotional coaching:

Name the feelings: “Moshe, I understand that you really needed the shirt tonight and you’re extremely disappointed that I forgot to pick it up. It’s really infuriating, and I understand that you’re angry. You must think that I don’t care about you. It’s not that I don’t care; my schedule was thrown off by an emergency call today. I’m sorry about the shirt.”

Problem-solve: “What can we do about it right now?”

Provide education about emotional behavior: The next day, when everything is calm, his mother brings up the matter. “Moshe, I want to apologize again for forgetting to get your shirt. I also want to talk to you about what happened between us last night. Do you remember how angry and upset you were? That’s understandable. Anyone might feel that way. But it is possible and important to express your anger in a respectful way, especially to your parents. (Mom might mention kibbud av va’em, the mitzvah to respect one’s father and mother.) The next time you become very angry, please remember to speak in a quiet voice and express your feelings without being insulting.”

Remember, it is not the goal of emotional coaching to make bad feelings go away. Rather, the goal is to acknowledge difficult moments in your child’s life and show the child that he is not alone in those moments. Coaching teaches him how to survive those moments. It provides emotional containment by identifying the feelings in a calm, accepting way. This can be very challenging for parents to do because we have our own emotional responses to our children’s feelings. Be aware of your own fear, anxiety, or anger. If these interfere with emotional coaching, stop coaching temporarily and tell the child you need to think before you can help him further.

The pay-off for all this difficult work is a child with a high E.Q. — one of the most valuable gifts a parent can give!

Sarah Chana Radcliffe practices psychology in Toronto, Canada.