Q

Dear Ruth,

I am at my wit’s end. My sister, who is almost forty, is a constant guest (with her family) at our yom tov meals, but she doesn’t reciprocate. I am sure that if I asked why, she would say this is because we are stricter about kashrus than she is. It is true that we are more particular, but we trust her kashrus and eat at her house. Yet when we visit she never prepares a cooked meal; she serves tuna and bagels.

After each holiday, my resentment wells up. I have no other relatives in this city, and I value my relationship with her. But while I am the older sister, I am tired of doing all the work. I try to be calm and feel joyous in the giving. I know that it is a mitzvah to provide a holiday meal, setting the table with all the customary foods. But is it healthy for us to continue this one-sided relationship?

I would like to take turns. Even though she is less religious than we, my sister knows how to prepare a kosher yom tov meal. My mother always served enough food for a small country, and my sister should have learned from her, as I did. My friends tell me to lower my expectations, but this inequity eats at me.

Do I just forget it and bite my tongue? My sister disapproves of our religious level. Thank you so much for your opinion. It means a great deal.

Susan

Dear Susan,

It may be that your sister is far less careful about kashrus than you believe. In fact, this seems to be what she is suggesting to you. She obviously does not want you to observe this reality firsthand; at the same time, she has the ethical sense not to let you eat a Shabbos or yom tov meal in her home.

I notice that when you do eat in her home, she gives you tuna and bagels, which require no cooking, and can be bought kosher and served cold.

You feel that your sister disapproves of your religious level of observance. To me it seems that at the same time she respects it. She must feel that yom tov in your home is very special, precisely because of your level of Yiddishkeit. I am sure it means a great deal to her family to spend the holidays in your home.

There is no need for you to be upset; understand this as her way of respecting your beliefs and your way of contributing to her happiness during yom tov.

Perhaps you could ask her to help in other ways. Say to her: “I know you dislike cooking and you don’t feel up to entertaining a lot of guests for a yom tov meal. However, I also know that it must upset you not to contribute. Why don’t you come over a little early and help me with setting the table and cutting up the salad?” She may welcome the opportunity to help. She obviously sees the warmth of Yiddishkeit in your home. She sees it as a place where you all should be gathered on yom tov — perhaps very much as things were in your mother’s home.

Dear Ruth,

I feel that I am a very coldhearted individual. Three weeks ago, my father passed away after a brief but traumatic illness. For two weeks he suffered extreme pain, as every organ in his body failed. My mother was devastated, and she has spent many hours either crying or lying on her bed, staring into space. My two sisters also took it very badly. My aunts and uncles have been very upset about my father’s death, and they say they have not been able to concentrate on anything else.

Only I seem to be made of stone. I have not shed one tear, and I have not felt the deep sorrow that everyone else seems to feel, that I should feel. I am completely ‘switched off,’ as if nothing happened. And yet I loved my father. I was, I thought, the closest one to him. I can’t understand my reaction. I cannot believe that I am such a cold person.

Miriam

Dear Miriam,

You are not a cold person at all. Yours is a reaction that many people have when someone very close and special to them passes away.

We have been given a natural emotional anaesthetic that comes into operation when things have gone beyond what we can handle. You feel so much sorrow that you have, due to emotional overload, ‘tripped the switch.’

We observe a similar reaction with a person who finds himself in a very dangerous situation and yet confronts it in a calm and unemotional manner.

You are probably switched off to a number of emotions besides grief. As you become able to cope with what has happened, you will find your emotions gradually beginning to unfreeze. Then you will begin to truly feel the pain.

May Hashem comfort you among the mourners of Zion and Jerusalem, in the way only Hashem knows.