Do you have a question on parenting, relationships, or other problem issues? Ask Dr. Ruth Benjamin, Clinical Psychologist, a University lecturer, who blends her psychology background with the eternal values of Torah.

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Dr. Ruth Benjamin
Jewish Homemaker
391 Troy Avenue
Brooklyn, NY 11213

    I got married two years ago and we have just had our first child. I really love him, I honestly do. However, there are times, especially when I want to sleep and he doesn't, or when he wakes me up in the middle of the night, there are times when I feel really angry with him and I wish he would just keep quiet and let me sleep.

    I get so tense that I also start shouting at my husband and, though he was very caring and sympathetic in the first few weeks, he has started shouting back.

    I, of course, believe that at all times I must be my natural self, as he must also. That is my personality: When I am tired-no-exhausted, I become tense and shout. It is getting worse, though.

    Is there anything I can do about it?

Sincerely,
Shelley

    Mazal tov on the birth of your son.

    Of course you love him, even though you become angry or frantic when he wakes up to nurse. People tend to believe that love disappears when you are angry with someone. That isn't true at all.

    First of all, it is important to take care of your own health. See that you are eating right and that you make opportunities to rest when he is sleeping. Exhaustion can do terrible things to all of us.

    Let me tell you something else:

    A woman sets the tone of her home. The atmosphere in the home is largely created by her. If you are tense and tend to shout, you will usually have a husband who is tense and shouting, and also a tense and screaming baby.

    Even though you feel that this is your personality, it is well within your power to change it. A person isn't "stuck" in a personality mold that can never advance and grow and come to like itself. What is more, if you want to, you can start working on it immediately.

    Perhaps you could try an experiment:

    Try for a week to expect your son to cry, so that you are not surprised and angry when he wakes up. He is going to wake up anyway. You know that. He needs to eat and he will let you know it.

    If you accept the fact that this nightly routine is only temporary, you will approach it differently.

    And try, just for that week, not to shout and not to fan the flames of anger. Talk to your baby. Ask him how he is in the middle of the night (more likely the early hours of the morning) and watch and feel the difference in your home.

    Hopefully, this experiment will continue, and you will all be finding a more fulfilling and happier way of life. You won't be "bottling up" your anger. It won't be there to begin with. If it is difficult to think of a whole big change, try the experiment from week to week such as... Just for this week I will be...

    I have just remarried after two years of being divorced. My husband is a widower who lost his first wife five years ago. We both have children. I have two sons of eight and ten, and he has a daughter of fourteen and a son of twelve.

    Before we married, the children seemed to get along well with one another. They also seemed to get along with us. His daughter used to love going out for coffee with me. We would talk for hours and she would tell me all kinds of things which were important in her life. I would hear all about school, about her teachers, about her friends.

    The boys accepted my husband completely and still do, even though they spend one holiday a year with their natural father. In fact, none of the boys are a problem.

    The daughter, Sharon, however, has become extremely troublesome since our marriage. She, who had always seemed such a sweet girl, has become catty, spiteful and jealous of her brother and step-brothers. She complains to her father regularly about me, and I feel she is trying to destroy our marriage. Could you advise me what to do? It is beginning to cause a great deal of tension in our home.

Sincerely,
Rina

    When a person marries for the second time, and there are children from both parties, the attitude you adopt is of vital importance.

    Don't think in terms of "your children" and "his children." Think in terms of "our children." It is important to commit yourself to this just as you committed yourself to each other in marriage. It is important, though often difficult, to accept each other's (and one's own) children completely.

    Both your and his children have lived with the complete attention and care of the single parent. You did things together. Your home was made up of you and your children.

    In your husband's case, Sharon probably did many of the domestic chores for him and, in a way, had to become the woman in the home.

    She must have been devastated, desperate and angry when her mother passed away, spending those years without the care of and direction which only a mother can give.

    She was, as you say, delighted to be with you when you were engaged. It was fun going to coffee shops and being able to talk. However, once you got married and became a mother to her, all her resentments came up about her feelings of desertion by her own mother. She is probably afraid to make too strong an attachment in case you, too, "disappear" (Heaven forbid).

    Believe me, she desperately wants acceptance and love from you. She is afraid to find it.

    I wonder if you still take her out for coffee, just you and she alone. It is very important that you reinstate that, going to the very places you did before. Things might be difficult at first. She might even refuse. Be persistent. She needs a mother so much. She must see that she is not going to lose her father but has gained both mother and father.

    I see that she tends to test out this marriage to see if it will last, to see if she can "settle in" and relax in the knowledge that you are in fact truly her new mother. It will take time and patience and love.

    It will also take a lot of discussion between yourself and your husband and a commitment of trust that you will handle the children together and not be divided by them. Not one of the children in your new family truly wants to cause friction in the marriage. They might act that way, but deep down, all they long for is a stable home and the love of both parents.