The windshield wipers battled unsuccessfully to give more visibility to the car's driver. The rain was coming down in torrents, the streetlights barely penetrating the curtains of water. It had been a hard day at the office. The books hadn't balanced, the computers had been down for two hours, and two members of the staff had phoned in sick. And now he was in congested traffic, making his way home by following the tail-light of the car in front of him, who was obviously also following the tail-light of the car in front of him, hoping all were going in the direction he wanted to go.

    One thought was in his mind-home! After a day like this, it would be so good to be home at last-a haven!

    On a day such as this, any home would be a haven. The driver would breathe a sigh of relief as he parked his car and dashed through the rain and in through his front door. But to each individual, home should always be a haven, and returning home should always be with a sigh of relief-at last!

    We like our gardens to be neat, our front entrances to be attractive and welcoming. We like our colors to match, our couches and beds comfortable and relaxing. We choose pictures that are pleasing to the eye, ornaments and potted plants that give an extra touch of individuality.

    We keep our homes tidy. We put away clothes and pick up things from the floor. We dust, clean and sweep. Our dishes are sparkling clean and neatly stacked. We are careful with our lighting, using the wattage of our bulbs to make a room brilliantly bright or softly dim. We try all kinds of things to imprint our personalities on our homes, to make them comfortable for our families-homes that they can be proud of, homes they can bring their friends to, homes they can call their own, places where they can relax and daven and learn in an atmosphere which we have largely created, a wonderful, beautiful dream home-a haven.

    But as we all know, there is more to it than that.

    It isn't only our sense of design or interior decorators that can create an atmosphere in the home. Nor is it our financial status. Even the poorest, most poverty-stricken home can be set up in a way that has a wonderful, homey atmosphere that can be felt by just walking into it.

    Just as the mother and wife creates the atmosphere in the home through the furnishings and lighting, and the cleanliness and tidiness, so can she create the emotional and spiritual atmosphere in the home. Believe it or not, it requires just as much, or more, effort to create and maintain an atmosphere which is healthy and beneficial to all.

    There are some homes in which the tension is so thick that one can, as the expression goes, "cut it with a knife." Families who love and care for one another in a very real way can still live together in a home where everyone is tense and harassed. Irritations niggle and tempers flare. Everyone is in a hurry and no one stops to "just be." Meals are rushed, conversation hurried, and even sleep is fitful and unrelaxing.

    Can the woman of the house have an effect on this? Can she change this?

    Yes, she most definitely can, and she will usually quickly gain the co-operation of her household in doing so.

    For starters, the woman herself must be relaxed. Do I hear a protest? What about the piles of washing, the ironing, the baking and cooking, the sewing and repairing, the shopping, the...!

    Yes, I know all about that. But within this and despite this, the wife and mother must avoid being harassed by these things and book in time for herself to relax.

    Another protest? The baby, the twins, the phone, the bills, the...! No time to do those things! Definitely no time to relax!

    If we had any idea of the importance of relaxation for twenty minutes a day (ten minutes in the morning and ten minutes in the afternoon before the family come trickling and then storming in), we would place it as a top priority on our busy schedules.

    In many ways, time is elastic. A task that can take ten minutes to do on one day, can take one and a half hours to do on another day, and exactly the same task can take twenty minutes on yet another day. We all know this.

    Giving ourselves time to relax provides us with the emotional and physical strength to be able to optimize the time, so that we can do in two hours what usually takes four, and so on.

    When we are stressed or tense, time flies so quickly that there's not enough of it. But we gain control of time when we are relaxed.

    There are several ways in which we can utilize the twenty minutes we allot ourselves. We can use traditional relaxation exercises and techniques which have stood the test of time.

    Or we can sit in a comfortable chair, shut our eyes, and travel in our minds to any distant or beautiful place and, as it were, be there. It is important at this time to watch our breathing, to breathe more slowly and regularly. Then we can go to the mountains, or to the ocean, and watch the waves and almost feel the salty spray on our clothes.

    Or, again sitting in a relaxed position, we can play a tape of our favorite music, and with our eyes shut, just "go" with it, until we come back renewed and refreshed.

    They forget about the here and now, concentrating on what will be just around the corner. They are never "here" because they are always "there." They rush around as if being chased by a train. It is important to be where you are and with what you are doing.

    Once we are more relaxed, we can then welcome those coming home. Perhaps one's husband comes home (maybe he was the one caught in the traffic in the storm) in a tremendous state of tension. He has to go to a meeting, has to leave home in forty minutes, and has to have a rushed supper. Now, instead of joining him in his tension-filled train ride through the house and out to his meeting, we can let him know supper is ready, that it will only take him fifteen minutes to eat, and that therefore he has plenty of time.

    Talking more slowly and in a relaxed tone usually has a way of rubbing off on a person until he too calms down. A wife and mother has to be a constant defuser of tension.

    The pay-offs are great on all levels. Take physical health, for instance. Many very serious, life-threatening illnesses are stress related, and a reduction in tension is an excellent medical insurance. Any doctor will confirm this.

    Children often come home bothered and hassled. It is so important to listen to what is troubling them, to reassure but not dismiss, and try to work out with them practical solutions. They tend to worry about all kinds of things and it is important to defuse the tension. They too must have "break periods" to regain their strength and inspiration.

    A low self-esteem is another thing which "catches" us all, adult or child, in one way or another. The home can enhance self-esteem or diminish it to painful levels. Children need praise, and if the mother feels that by praising the child she might be inflating his ego, she just has to sit in the classroom to see how many ego-depressing experiences he has on a daily basis.

    Adults, obviously, also need recognition and praise. In this way they are enthused and motivated.

    It is very easy for us to slip into a pattern of devaluating everyone around us, especially members of our family. This isn't because we feel superior, it is usually because our own self-esteem is so low that we find ourselves criticizing and berating when we really want to do the opposite. It is important for us to value ourselves, to give ourselves credit for who we are and what we are doing, to appreciate and to be kind to ourselves.

    It then becomes easier to be kinder and to appreciate others without feeling they are in any way abusing our time and energy.

    Any child or adult who feels uncared for and not respected in his home can become unhappy and aggressive. His poor self-esteem becomes poorer and he feels unattractive, unwanted, humiliated and unsuccessful. A child who feels he somehow is not an integral part of the lives of those who are important to him may suffer a great deal of anxiety and pain and spend all his time and energy trying to "gain a place," sometimes becoming quite destructive, rebellious and uncooperative.

    We can build an atmosphere of mutual respect where the rights of each child and parent are recognized. We have to stop calling one another "stupid" or embarrass one another in front of others, and confidence has to be held in trust. We can, with a little effort, provide a space for each family member to grow.

    The words that are spoken in the family, especially about one another, are extremely important and can be uplifting or harrowing, soothing or devastating. What we say about others also has far-reaching effects, even though one does not initially notice it.

    The greatest desire of Jewish parents is for their children to grow up good, G-d-fearing Jews, and they try to educate and train them in every detail of Jewish life. But children learn by example, and here, I am not talking about our example as Jewish mothers (though this is important), but about other people our children naturally look up to as examples.

    Very often in the home, we might say something negative about the rabbi of our shul. Now we know, our husbands know, that the rabbi is a learned, righteous man, but we are upset or angry about something he said or did. Our children only hear the negative because we have never thought to mention the positive, and by this we have tarnished the child's connection with him, perhaps forever.

    Parents spend a huge percentage of their income on their children's education. It has to be kosher and of the highest standard. And yet we might say something negative about the rabbi, the melamed, the principal, the teacher. Now, we know that the teacher is a whole lot of other good things besides the one issue to which we are referring. We know the teacher's scholarship and commitment to Yiddishkeit. But the child absorbs the criticism like a sponge, and that view "becomes" the teacher. In this way we are sabotaging our own hopes and squandering our hard-earned money. It is in the woman's power to stop this.

    Everyone wants a "happy" home, and unhappiness isn't just, Heaven forbid, the broken home, the fighting parents. Some homes are unhappy because unhappiness is the atmosphere which prevails. A woman has the power to make an atmosphere happy, loving, secure and giving, or guilt-ridden, suspicious and, at times, lethal.

    Everyone goes on "mind trips," and few confide in others about these escapes into fantasy. But a person can, at times, build up on things they have heard from their friends or family until they present themselves with devastating scenarios which can make them extremely unhappy, angry and suspicious about everyone around them. It is important to be aware of this, to think good thoughts and not to focus on the morbid and the miserable. I will give you an example. Suppose I phone a friend and that friend is in a hurry, so she ends the conversation quickly. I can build it up like this:

1. She seemed to be in a hurry.
2. She seemed to be busy.
3. She seemed too busy to talk to me.
4. She thought other things were more important than speaking to me.
5. She didn't want to waste time talking to me.
6. She doesn't like me phoning her.
7. I won't phone her again.etc., etc.

    Again, it is so easy to allow this to become pushed out amidst the dressing children for school and the washing up. Again, it is a matter of self-esteem and of self-esteem as a Jew. As important as it is to do all the daily tasks, it is as important to Hashem that we spend some time at least for our own Yiddishkeit.

    Slowly, but definitely, our home will become a haven for all who live there.

Ruth Benjamin is a senior clinical psychologist at Johannesburg Hospital, and is a lecturer at the University of the Witwatersrand Medical School.