Miriam Fine looked helplessly at Malka, her youngest daughter. Tears rolled silently down the child's small face as she stared at the floor. Mrs. Fine tried one more time: "Malka, won't you please tell Mommy what's upsetting you so much? Did something bad happen at school today? Did somebody hurt you? Please, Malka, try to tell Mommy."

Just as she had done earlier, Malka refused to answer; she continued to look down, her lips pursed in an angry frown. Miriam suspected that her eight-year-old child was miserable for the same reason she had been distressed yesterday and the day before: her schoolmates were making fun of her. Mrs. Fine knew that kids could be mean at times. What she didn't know was how she could help her daughter.

Rejection is one of life's necessary experiences, but it is also one of the most challenging. Coping with rejection is often a monumental task. Depending on who is doing the rejecting, the rejected party can lose small or significant amounts of self-esteem, suffer minor or major pain, and incur short-term or long-term personality damage.

Humans are supposed to be sensitive to rejection, since it is an aid in the socialization process. But healthy as this hurt may be, we all want to avoid it. The problem is that life is full of rejection experiences. Loving parents try not to be the source of rejection for their children, but even this is unavoidable. Whenever a parent looks disappointed, annoyed, or angry, the child experiences some level of rejection.

In healthy family relationships, this rejection is far outweighed by the number of positive interactions that occur. When the ratio of positive to negative interactions hovers around 80:20, a child will likely feel secure and loved. As that ratio decreases to 50:50 positive to negative interactions, insecurity may set in.

A further descent to 20:80 positive to negative is troublesome. Parents can tell when too much rejection is going on both by the way they themselves feel (e.g., dreading the child's arrival home from school) and the way the child behaves (e.g., constantly provoking, generally negative, or rejecting the parent).

Rejection in the household typically is the product of a cycle in which the child behaves poorly, the parent criticizes or punishes, the child reacts with more negativity, and the parent becomes yet more critical. Cycles of this kind can pose serious developmental threats for children and should be addressed with professional help.

Even if the child has a loving home environment, she will experience rejection at some point from her peers, because nobody is liked by everybody. She will encounter rejection from her teachers, because criticism and punishment are part and parcel of that relationship. She may experience rejection from certain activities — such as not being chosen to represent her class in the school spelling bee. As the child interacts with relatives, neighbors, and even strangers, she will feel rejected at times.

How can you help your child deal with this inevitable rejection? What can be done to prevent the intense suffering or life-long damage that can ensue?

First you need to separate yourself from your child's rejection. Parents may actually feel more rejected than does their child over a particular incident. For example, if Josh Starr didn't get chosen as the birthday boy's special "guest" in nursery school, Mrs. Starr may feel the pain even more deeply than does her son. Josh comes home with the relatively small complaint that he feels left out, but his mother can be devastated, imagining that her son has suffered a terrible blow. Similarly, mothers whose daughters aren't popular, or fathers whose sons didn't make the team, may be more upset than their youngsters. Not only does the parent feel the pain of the child, but the parent feels personally rejected since it was his child that wasn't selected.

As long as you the parent hurts in this way, you will not be helpful to your child. It is important to remember that children learn to handle rejection by being allowed to experience it. Don't run to remove the rejection. Don't try to patch things up (e.g., by arranging that your child be accepted to the team). Rather, permit your child to be rejected and then help her cope with the temporary loss of esteem. If you run interference for her, you will convey the message that you lack trust in her ability to cope; she will conclude that rejection must be prevented at all costs.

The most helpful strategy you as a parent can adopt is to help your child process the pain of rejection. You can do this by letting your child talk about the hurt and then validating that hurt.

Validation involves acknowledging that what your child feels is a legitimate emotion. For example, if she says, "I didn't get invited to go with the group again. Nobody likes me. I'll never have any friends," you can respond by saying, "It sounds like you feel that nobody likes you and you can't make friends." This empathetic response invites your child to talk more about her feelings; during your conversation, continue to validate her feelings until she has expressed herself entirely. At the end, you may ask her if she's thought of any solutions to the problem, or if she desires your input.

Although validation is very simple (because it essentially is a paraphrase of what your child has said to you), many parents are too threatened by their child's rejection to allow her to process her feelings in this way. Instead, parents attempt to talk the child out of feeling rejected by minimizing the rejection.

For instance, you might say to your child, "Don't be silly. People really like you. You'll have lots of friends." Such a statement, though well-intentioned, discounts your child's true feelings. As such, it tends to cause her to end the communication or to argue with you.

When we feel hurt of any kind, including the hurt of rejection, validation of our feelings is the actual cure for the pain. Just to be able to share the hurt and have it accepted non-judgmentally tells us that our feelings are normal and manageable. When a parent validates a child's rejected feeling, the parent helps the child to let go of the feeling and move on.

Some children will not engage in a discussion of their feelings. If this is true in your family, try modeling a healthy coping style by sharing a similar incident that happened to you and expressing how rejected you felt. As you describe your own pain, your child will see that talking about bad feelings is acceptable and safe, and that people do recover from the hurt.

Another technique you may use is called "cognitive restructuring." To illustrate this technique, let us consider the following example. Nine-year-old Rachel's best friend Judy has been acting coldly toward her the last few weeks. At the same time, Judy has been very friendly with a "new" girl. Rachel complains to her mother: "Now I won't have anyone to play with. I'll never have a best friend again. I'll be alone every recess and lunch hour."

Rachel is correct in observing that she is experiencing a form of rejection; however, she is making several cognitive errors. First, she has universalized her problem. Second, she believes her problem will go on forever. Finally, she has come to a catastrophic conclusion rather than looking for the positives and reassuring herself.

Her parents can help by listening to and validating her feelings and then helping her to reduce the magnitude of the problem so that it becomes specific rather than global and temporary rather than permanent.

They should say: "It must be hard when your best friend doesn't want to be close sometimes." This comment ignores Rachel's overgeneralization ("now I won't have anyone to play with") and her gloomy predictions ("I'll never have a best friend again" and "I'll be alone every recess"), and focuses on the specific problem and its temporary nature. It is not helpful to be overly cheerful and declare how everything will turn out fine. Rather, the parent can ask: "Rachel, if your best friend doesn't play with you, what's the worst that can happen? What can you do to prevent that from occurring?" This helps Rachel gain some sense of control over her problem and increases optimism while reducing bad feelings.

Most children experience rejection only occasionally; however, there are those who encounter it regularly. Each case must be judged individually, but some of these children may benefit from professional counseling. Remember, rejection is part of life. Teaching our children to cope with it gracefully is a gift of lasting value to them.

Sarah Chanah Radcliffe, M.Ed., is a counselor in private practice in Toronto, Canada. She is the author of numerous books on Jewish family life and emotional well being.