Q

Dear Ruth,

Something happened a few days ago that I will never get over. My husband completely forgot our tenth anniversary, as did our five children. There were no flowers or any other acknowledgment, and as the day wore on I became more and more despondent.

When my husband came home that night, I said: "Do you know what day this was?" He was devastated, as he should have been. He wanted to celebrate our anniversary right then. But it was too late; he had lost his chance. How could he have forgotten? I thought until then that we had a great marriage. Now I am not so sure. We are scarcely speaking to one another, and my children are also very upset.

My six-year-old kept repeating: "Mommy, why didn't you just tell us?" She did not understand that it had been up to them to remember. Please tell me what to do. The atmosphere at home has become very strained.

Frieda Z.

Dear Frieda,

Mommy, why couldn't you just tell them?

Why did you have to wait until it was over, when you saw they had forgotten and you knew they would feel remorseful? And why did you yourself have to suffer emotional pain that seems not to have abated?

I presume your husband works hard and your anniversary just slipped his mind. I agree that he should have remembered; but he didn't, and it doesn't have any bearing on the depth of his love for you.

You would be happier if you tell as many people as you can that today is your anniversary, your birthday, or any other special day. Put your pride away. It only causes upset all around.

Tell them a week in advance. Tell them the day before. Tell them on the day itself. Might they think you are "fishing" for a present? So what? That is a minor concern, compared with the heartache you are experiencing. Don't give anyone the opportunity to forget. Don't put your loved ones to the test again.

I suggest that you pick an evening in the very near future and take the whole family out to supper for a somewhat belated tenth wedding anniversary celebration.

Dear Ruth,

Recently our family was involved in a major car accident. My three children were bleeding from various wounds. My husband was unconscious for part of the time, and my foot was caught in a painful position. I can't bear to think about the accident.

We were taken by ambulance to a hospital emergency room. The children and I were discharged a few hours later, suffering from minor wounds. My husband had a concussion and stayed longer in the hospital, but he too was discharged fairly soon and suffers no apparent ill effects. In fact, we all are well now.

This incident has affected me adversely. I was never an anxious person, but now I find my heart racing at the slightest disturbance. I am suffering from tension headaches, and I find that my thoughts are negative and gloomy. Until now I was always able to cope with things, but that has changed. What can I do about this, and will I get over it?

Brenda G.

Dear Brenda,

You are suffering from a form of Post-Traumatic Stress, which denotes a stress reaction after a traumatic experience.

The experience is a wound that needs to be washed thoroughly and left open in order to heal. Many people tend instead to close up such a wound without cleaning it, and it becomes, as it were, a focus for infection that makes the whole body sick.

You mention that you can't even think about the accident. You have tried to shut the event out of your mind, yet it comes back to you in your gloomy thoughts and your tension.

I want you to hold a family meeting three times a week for each of the next three weeks. These meetings should last at least an hour. During these meetings, try to discuss everything about the accident and its immediate aftermath. Each of you should describe your individual experience — including the worst and best moments.

From one session to another, discuss these things over. Add as much as you can to the details you gave in the previous session. Don't be worried about repetition; that is the purpose of this exercise.

In this way you will clean the wound for the whole family, after which the hurt can heal properly. In your last two sessions, concentrate on the miracle that none of you was seriously hurt. By that time you will be able to appreciate the wonder of it all.

If this exercise does not ease your stress, speak to your family doctor and ask for a referral to a therapist who does Post-Traumatic Stress counseling.

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Dr. Ruth Benjamin
The Jewish Homemaker
391 Troy Avenue,
Brooklyn, NY 11213