by Maurice J. Elias, Ph.D.

A distraught woman brought her case before the ruling committee of Chelm. “O Rulers,” she said, weeping, “six months ago my husband went out for a loaf of bread and never came back. What should I do?” The ruling committee told her to return the next day. They thought and thought about the matter. When she came back, she was greeted by the committee chairperson: “Peace unto you. My associates and I have considered every aspect of your case. Do not wait any longer. Send one of the children out for another loaf of bread.”

—One of the legendary tales of Chelm

What’s going on? Don’t our kids care? Don’t they understand their responsibilities? Are they truly ungrateful? The Sage Hillel warns us not to rush to conclusions: “Don’t judge your friend until you have stood in his place” (Ethics of the Fathers 2:4).

Sometimes the challenge lies in teaching our children to see our perspective; at the same time, we need to perceive matters from their vantage point, to know where they’re coming from. The greater the perspective gap, such as existed between the woman and Chelm’s rulers, the greater the lack of communication.

Here are some tools, which I collectively call Emotionally Intelligent Parenting, that will help parents appreciate our kids’ perspective, while at the same time improving our children’s own perspective-taking skills.

Consider a rare — or perhaps not so rare — event: siblings not getting along. At the moment when brothers and sisters are fighting, they may or may not have a sense of each others’ perspective, but they almost certainly are not aware of each others’ feelings. If we can learn to instill this awareness, if we can get across to Yossi that Shira also feels sad and hurt, we may succeed in tempering Yossi’s anger towards her. Children generally do not want to make their siblings feel sad, but in the moment of passion, they do not stop to think of the emotional pain they are causing.

Once a child understands his sister’s point of view, he will better appreciate how Shira defines a given situation, and how she may react to it. Such understanding is not easy to acquire, but it does become more developed as one matures.

Take the time to talk to your children about understanding and respecting one another, even at times that lend themselves to anger. Show them by example that you as parents empathize with them. If they are angry at you, tell them you want to understand their perspective; ask them to explain their feelings to you.

If Yossi is to empathize with Shira, he must be able to read her feelings. Along with the ability to listen carefully, Yossi must learn to read Shira’s nonverbal cues. Often body language and tone of voice convey emotions more effectively than words.

Perspective taking is at the heart of so many Jewish values. As mentioned above, we are not permitted to judge someone until we have stood in his place. Another core value for us is to love our neighbor (and certainly our own family members) as we love ourselves. Shalom bayis, peace in the home, is rooted in perspective, in understanding how your spouse and children feel. To achieve shalom bayis, the feelings and sensitivities of everyone in the household must be understood and respected. There is much benefit to having the ability to harmonize relationships, soothe others, and look to resolve differences in peaceful ways.

One of my favorite ways to help kids see a different point of view, thereby improving household cooperation, is to handle a potentially explosive situation with humor. Here is a letter a mother wrote to her son after he forgot to take out the garbage:

Dear Benjy,
I missed you yesterday. I was so full, I was hoping that you would take me to the sidewalk so that I could be emptied out and have my freedom. But it was not to be. Four more days of holding the family garbage. I would be lying if I said I was happy. I am not. Not only is it uncomfortable, but it is smelly. I don’t know what your parents cooked for dinner this week, but I hope you did not have to eat it. I will look for you on Friday morning. I will be at the back door.

Your friend,
The Black Garbage Can

Here is a mother who left a telephone message for her daughter Sima while she was at school, after Sima left her room a mess . . . again:

Hello, Sima. I am leaving this telephone message because I want you to know I am sad. Sad because I do not think you care about my friends and myself. We are your shirts and pants. We have been left out for two days now. We are not comfortable. We get hot, we get cold. Some of us would like to be in the drawer. Others really need to be hung up; we are getting muscle cramps from being folded. I was elected by the others to ask that you take care of us. Don’t we take care of you? Thank you, and have a nice day.

Your Brown Jeans

Young children (and immature adults) tend to view the world in terms of their owns wants and needs. As kids get older, at seven or eight, they become better able to negotiate, compromise, and be tolerant. This process has its ups and downs throughout adolescence, as parents know.

Regardless, parents can do a lot every day to teach children how to take different perspectives. With the media, the Internet, and peer culture offering so many confusing and competing messages, it is more important than ever for parents to play a strong role in guiding their children’s perspective taking.

The sages of Chelm had a hard time taking others’ perspectives. Few of us would want to live in Chelm-like households.

Helping our children to understand the viewpoint of others not only gives them a valuable skill to be employed for the rest of their lives, but also contributes mightily to shalom bayis and Emotionally Intelligent Parenting.

Maurice J. Elias teaches Psychology at Rutgers University. He directs the Jewish Adolescent Identity Project at Rutgers, and is the co-author of Emotionally Intelligent Parenting: How to Raise a Self-Disciplined, Responsible, Socially Skilled Child (Harmony/Random House, 1999). He can be reached at info@eqparenting.com.