Religious people certainly have an advantage over others: we follow the Torah‹the guide to successful living. One would think, then, that we all lead successful lives full of emotional health and well-being. We should be, in fact, quite perfect. Indeed, we often try to convince others that this is just the case.

And yet, we can fool some of the people some of the time, but we can't fool ourselves. We realize that things are not so perfect with us and our families. We are unable to follow all of the directives of Torah and we pay the price‹with anger and conflict, fears and worries, sadness and depression. Yes, we try to reach the high Torah standards of character development that would prevent these problems, but we don't always succeed. Yes, sometimes things are not so perfect for us.

But then again, this only makes us human. Which person does not have his/her share of problems? Torah is there to help us, but just possessing Torah does not automatically make us perfect like the angels; we're still just people. Few of us will attain the status of tzaddik‹a truly righteous person who fulfills every Torah principle. Almost all of us will be in the "average" category; with some merits and some demerits. We will usually be less than perfect.

What does this mean? It means that we need not be pretentious. Our obsession with portraying ourselves as epitomes of perfection simply makes it harder for all of us. If no one can admit to having difficulties, everyone becomes afraid of their human situations.

Chava thinks that she is the only one in the universe who is suffering abuse. Dovid thinks that he is the only one on the continent who has no friends. Chaim thinks that his inability to learn Gemara makes him a "freak," while Faigy is convinced that she is the only one who requires antidepressants.

Shlomo can't admit to anyone that he's having a hard time relating to his oldest son; Sol is struggling with failures in business and can't talk to anyone about it. Shaindey thinks that she is "sick in the head" because she suffers from insomnia, Naomi feels she's mentally disturbed because she can't control her temper, and Ruchama thinks that her own children fight more than anybody else's. Eliezer, who has a decent job but can't pay all of his bills, feels like a loser and a misfit among his peers at shul.

In other words, in addition to suffering from their real-life problems, Jews also suffer from feeling isolated with those problems. They feel like they're bad for having problems; for failing to live up to the "perfect" standard of their community. This is most unfortunate because of the additional pain it causes those who are already in pain. It is also totally unnecessary, since the pressure to be perfect is based entirely upon a myth. No one is perfect. Everyone has problems. No one's children are perfect. No one's lineage is flawless. No one's marriage is perfect. No one is perfect!

Since this is the case, we might as well admit to our imperfections. Why do we attempt to cover up the facts and pretend that everything is just fine? Why is it so hard for Jews to attend self-help groups‹for alcoholics, for drug addicts, for food addicts, for parents of children with learning disabilities, for marriage enrichment, for mental health or whatever‹to get the help and support that they need? Indeed, some Jews won't tell their best friends about their real problems! This inability to reach out is not just unfortunate‹it is downright dangerous. Research has clearly established that people who keep their problems to themselves show much higher incidents of illness, dysfunction and may even result in early death. Illnesses such as heart disease and cancer have also been directly linked to a person's tendency to remain silent in the face of their problems. Sharing and venting relieves the emotional and physical burden; breaking the isolation is part of the healing process.

One major reason for all this silence may be the fear involved in shidduchim‹marrying off one's children. People feel an intense need to present themselves as being perfect so that their children will be chosen as some other (perfect) person's mate. People will actually get married without telling the prospective chosson or kallah about major problems in the family, or even about their health matters. Besides being dishonest, this practice isn't fair to oneself or one's mate. The achievement of true marital intimacy is based on trust as well as sharing and revealing our deepest and most authentic selves. This is quite hard to accomplish in an atmosphere of withholding, secrecy and deception.

Another reason for the general reluctance to discuss one's difficulties is that Jewish community life brings people into very close contact with each other. This situation often results in a certain lack of privacy. In the secular world, if Mrs. X tells her neighbor, Mrs. Y, about her marriage struggles, the information will often go no further. Mrs. Y. doesn't know any other people in Mrs. X's world so the conversation often goes no further. In the religious community, however, this is not the case. Everyone seems to be interconnected in one large "family." And although there are strict laws of loshon hora which prohibit general gossip, there are always people who are not as careful about these laws as they should be. One small leak in this sort of community, may lead to "everyone" knowing "everything." This is often a major deterrent to opening up.

Another cause for the failure to unburden oneself is that of lack of knowledge. Many Jews are not well read in matters of secular psychology and simply do not know that their personal problems are very common, very normal and very human. Fearing that they are unique and freakish in their troubles, they are reluctant to expose themselves. Many are even afraid to consult professionals such as their own Rav or religious therapists for fear of ruining their reputations. Some don't want to consult their local psychologist because he davens at their shul or they don't realize that people in the helping professions have seen every type of human problem and are totally familiar and comfortable in helping others to deal with these challenges.

Although it is understandable that we want to present our best face to the world, the need to cover up every imperfection puts an unbearable pressure upon us to be more than human. But this just isn't possible. We're all in the same boat of life together. And we need help in our human journey. In The Book of Proverbs we are told that "only a fool tries to solve all of his problems on his own; the truly wise person reaches out to others for advice, direction and support." Although the aforementioned barriers to self-disclosure do exist, there are ways around them. Here are some suggestions about ways to find support and/or discussing your personal issues with others:

1. Maintain privacy by confiding in only one or two trusted friends.
2. Maintain privacy by confiding in professionals who are bound by law to maintain your confidentiality (this includes all professional counselors and therapists).
3. Maintain privacy by confiding in a trusted Rav.
4. Maintain privacy by attending self-help groups outside of your community (check that the hashkofah (outlook) of the group is appropriate).
5. Attend public lectures on the relevant problem area (parenting, marriage, health, mental health issues).
6. Check your local public library for books and tapes that may be informative and supportive.
7. Attend programs with your children where you can hear the talk of other parents regarding the issues in their lives‹and participate!
8. Get involved as a volunteer in an agency or programs which deals with your problem area and learn!
9. Write an article about your experience with a life-challenge and submit it to a Jewish family magazine; break the silence and open doors for others.
10. Become a consumer of Jewish books and magazines which promote awareness of life-challenges: financial support of these endeavors will ensure a continual dispersal of these kinds of materials.
11. When people (other than strangers and acquaintances) ask "How are you?" don't always plaster a smile on your face and say, "Baruch Hashem," or "Fine thanks, how are you?" Try instead to sometimes say something more authentic like, "Baruch Hashem, hectic lately" or "Baruch Hashem, a little stressed out," or "Well, I'm kind of burdened with things just now, but I'm getting there," or "To tell you the truth, things could be better." An honest reply to a friend can be a first step to getting support, breaking the silence of the human condition and also deepening friendships.
12. Start a support group in your community for people dealing with your challenge - i.e. weight loss, burn-out, anger control, depression, and so on.

It is up to all of us to become more knowledgeable, more open and more comfortable with our human struggles so that we can all get the help that we need to deal with them. Each person who puts on a facade contributes to the syndrome of fear and secrecy. This doesn't mean that we have to spill all of our problems to strangers, nor does it mean we should walk down the street looking sad, Heaven Forbid! It does mean, however, that we can promote an awareness of problems in living by participating in discussions, by writing, by reading, and by sharing appropriately. There was a time when Jewish families actually used to hide away their mentally and physically disabled youngsters; thankfully, all that has changed. Now, we need to stop hiding behind the myth of mental health. We need to admit that sometimes life is hard and that we might actually be having problems. We need to acknowledge that this is true for every one of us. Then we can begin to move forward and deal with those challenges with courage, rather than with a sense of shame.

Sarah Chanah Radcliffe, M. Ed., is a counselor in private practice in Toronto, Canada. She is the author of five books on Jewish family life and emotional well being.